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The Reasons Why You Will Not Date Someone Even though You Are Attracted to them

Jan 18
3 min read

Updated: Jan 24

Well, the simple answer is:

  • No job (48%)

  • Political beliefs (47%)

  • Incompatible life style - e.g. night owl vs. early riser (45%)

  • High BMI (27%)

  • Poor physical health/fitness (26%)

  • Unattractive living situation (25%)

  • They have kids (25%)



Physical attraction gets someone noticed. But dating is where people start running a risk-check: “Will this person fit my life, values, and future, or will this become exhausting?” Research from both the United States and Europe suggests that the biggest “I’m attracted, but no” reasons cluster around values, lifestyle/health, and stability.


1) Values clashes: attraction can’t outvote identity

In the U.S., politics has become a surprisingly direct dating filter. A large national survey (American Perspectives Survey, Jan 2023) found that 65% of Democrats say they’d be less likely to date a Republican, and 62% of Republicans say they’d be less likely to date a Democrat. Even more striking: 84% of Democrats say they’d be less likely to date a Trump supporter (74% “a lot less likely”).



This matters because politics is rarely “just politics” in intimate life; people read it as a proxy for morals, identity, and how conflict will play out. Attraction can survive disagreement about movies. It struggles with disagreement about what “good” looks like.


Europe shows a related pattern through the lens of social acceptance and family comfort. In a 2019 EU-wide Eurobarometer infographic (Special Eurobarometer 493), Europeans were asked how comfortable they’d feel if their child were in a love relationship with different groups. The EU average comfort level was 53% for a relationship with a Muslim person and 48% for a relationship with a Roma person (lower than many other groups). Even when someone is personally attracted, perceived family conflict or stigma can create a “why start something that will be a constant fight?” brake.



2) Lifestyle and health: “chemistry” vs. daily reality

Some dealbreakers are about what it feels like to share everyday life. Smoking is the classic example: in the same U.S. survey, 77% of Americans say they’d be less likely to date a smoker (and 58% say “much less likely”). That’s not just about smell or health risk; it’s also about routines (going outside to smoke), compatibility (non-smoker boundaries), and long-term concerns.


Europe’s Eurobarometer doesn’t ask “would you date a smoker?” in that infographic—but it shows how “private life” preferences often overlap with broader social comfort and perceived compatibility, especially when family is involved.



3) Stability signals: work, independence, and practicality

Attraction doesn’t pay rent. In the U.S. data, 69% say they’d be less likely to date someone who is unemployed—and the effect is even stronger for women (81% of women vs 56% of men). This isn’t necessarily cold-hearted; it’s a shorthand for reliability, stress levels, and future planning.

Practical constraints also quietly end promising connections. The same study found 68% would be less likely to date someone who lives in another state.  Distance can be romantic in theory, brutal in scheduling.


4) The hidden dealbreaker: anticipated conflict

What ties these together is the prediction of friction. People often walk away not because attraction is missing, but because they expect:

  • constant arguments (politics/values)

  • lifestyle mismatch that becomes resentment (smoking)

  • unequal burden or insecurity (unemployment)

  • social pressure (family discomfort with certain relationships)

In other words: attraction opens the door. Compatibility decides whether someone steps through.


5) Other Dealbreakers


  • Height - height is a relationship dealbreaker for more than 1 in 4 Americans (28%). More than 1 in 3 women (37%) say height is a dealbreaker, compared to just 1 in 5 men (19%).

  • Nearly 3 in 5 Americans (57%) would date someone who had plastic surgery to improve their appearance, but 43% say it would be a turn-off.


Staying in a relationship or getting back together:

  • 69% of Americans have stayed in a relationship longer than they should have because of shared finances; 44% of these situations were temporary, and 25% were long-term.

  • Nearly 1 in 3 Americans (30%) would consider getting back together with an ex if that person had become rich.



In summary, research across Europe and the U.S., highlights the following core reasons people decline to date someone even if they’re attracted to them:


 
 
 

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